But going from none to three boys ages 4-8?

That’s what happened as Jeff, 28, and Samantha, 30, suddenly became foster parents.

Actually, the Hoffmans love it.

“We were leery of fostering,” Jeff said. “We were concerned of attachment.”

But after taking classes with an organization called Youthville, the Hoffmans said they were prepared to help. Their No. 1 goal is to adopt, but in the meantime they want to help through the foster system.

“It will be difficult to say goodbye, but we want what’s best for them,” Jeff said.

Samantha added, “They’re absolutely amazing children.”

The Hoffmans started training last summer and because licensed Dec. 15. They took the boys in soon after.

The Hoffmans wanted to go through a private agency to adopt but found that too expensive. So, they tried another route. With Youthville, they receive training in foster parenting while they look for a child to adopt.

Jeff and Samantha said they liked their training. He found his training to be by the book, while Samantha said hers was more relating to personal experience.

The Hoffmans said it was a “slight shock” to suddenly have three children.

“The house is never clean,” Samantha said.

The Hoffmans don’t know much about the three boys, other than they are from out of state.

They do like to test the boundaries.

Jeff said discipline was an area he had to learn.

“I was raised with soap in the mouth and spankings that that worked well with me,” he said, adding that is now allowed now, and he must use other options. “You have to get used to their tantrums. They are so different.”

The Hoffmans said the boys know they are there temporarily.

“They know they have parents, but the state wants them to live with us.”

The boys have fun playing nerf swords, legos and with the four dogs and two cats.

“They love it here. They have a lot of fun,” said Jeff, who works at Boeing. “The puppy loves to roughhouse with the boys.”

But they don’t really like doing homework or helping with chores and housework, said Samantha, who works at home with a pet medical insurance company.

Desires change

When the Hoffmans first started looking to adopt, they wanted a child age 8 or younger. But now that they have found out about the system, they would like a girl 13 or younger, and would even consider siblings.

“Babies or toddlers take forever” to get, Samantha said. “You hear these stories of how long they’ve been in the system; how sad it is.”

In looking for kids to adopt, the Hoffmans look for profiles of children who want a mommy and like puppies, sports and school.

“We make it personal for us,” Jeff said, adding they also look for kids who are legally free from any parental rights.

Samantha said she has always wanted a lot of children, but “Three is a lot of work.”

The kids get phone calls from their biological parents.

They also have a relationship with their previous foster parents.

“They come over for dinner, and we do family activities,” Jeff said.

The Hoffmans don’t know if they will have the boys for a month or a year, which makes it difficult.

“They are part of the family. What they say matters,” Jeff said.

Samantha said if she could adopt the three boys she would.

“You can’t hold back love for them,” she said. “If we could get them I’d jump on it in a heartbeat.”

The Hoffmans said even when they adopt, they would like to continue helping in the foster care system.

“I was never against foster care, just the idea of becoming attached, and then having them taken away,” Samantha said.

But she found out the psychology of going to a home is so important to these kids.

“They are in the system for many reasons,” she said. “But I could see myself falling on bad times. That changed my mindset.”

Foster or adopt?

Case manager Duane Ott said the nonprofit Youthville is a great organization to go to whether you want to adopt or be a foster parent. Customer service through education, support of parents and follow through is key for the firm.

“We’re there to make them more successful,” he said of foster parents.

The biggest problem is there aren’t enough foster parents. If there were more, children could stay closer to their birth parents, siblings, other relatives and schools so the transition would not be as traumatic.

Ott said the majority of foster parents are interested in adoption, and Youthville is a great company for that.

“Many foster until they find the right match,” he said. “We cater to what their personal calling is.”

Ott said many folks come to Youthville wanting to adopt, then find out the need for foster parenting is so great that they stick with that.

“They want to be there for the kids, who can’t stay in the office all night,” Ott said.

As for separation anxiety once a child leaves, Ott said it doesn’t hurt as much for folks who embrace the concept of a full-time coach who needs to provide a safe place to call home.

Ott said “fear of the unknown” is what keeps most people from not even looking into being a foster parent.

Foster parents can be single, empty nesters, anybody who has the heart, commitment and dedication to help others, he said. But people need to realize the goal is to reunite the kids with their parents if at all possible, and them living with relatives is the next priority.

Teaching parents

Sandy McCool works for Youthville to reunite children with their biological parents. She uses evidence-based practices based on proven research to train parents to do a better job.

She is a firm believer in program, called Incredible Years. There is a different curriculum for children birth to seven months, seven months to three years, and two to eight years. One of the goals is to prevent, reduce and treat conduct problems among children. They learn about rewards and setting limits, positive discipline, time out and problem-solving. They also learn when ignoring is a good option.

“If this was a joke, I wouldn’t use it at home,” she said. “I teach it to my own husband.”

McCool said many of the parents who take her classes are court-ordered to.

“They want to know, ‘Who are you to tell me this is the way to do it,'” she said.

But the system works best, she said, when parents take her classes before their kids are taken away from them.

McCool said she doesn’t preach or teach the parents but works beside them because they know their children best. She engages the parents by discussing different situational vignettes. They also role-plays, even having the parents put themselves in the position of the child to see that point of view.

She gives them ideas to put in their toolbox that they can use or not.

McCool also emphasizes to them that they have to be the adults. Children need parents, not just friends. So she teaches them how to build themselves up to be strong parental figures.

She also teaches them to praise children.

“You have to fill the piggy bank, too,” she said. “With discipline, too often we take out, but don’t put back in.”

McCool said the hardest part of the job for her is to get to know a family and see them overcome obstacles, but then watch them deteriorate and go back to their old ways, finally having the kids taken away for good.

“It’s out of our control,” she said, of losing a family to drugs, for example.

The nonprofit Youthville, which has been in Marysville area for 3 1/2 years, has many children who are trauma survivors. As such, the state pays a tax-free stipend to foster parents.

“We’re not like an agency that specializes in adoptions as our bread and butter” and therefore charges $4,000 to $40,000 for those services, Ott said. Foster parents in their system that decide to adopt only pay legal fees.

Youthville is an advocate.

“We’re there to provide prompt responses and provide clear understanding” for the foster parents, Ott said.

He said Youthville is kind of gambling that the foster parents will stay in the system because that’s how it gets paid. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t want its foster parents to become adoptive parents.

“That’s a great outcome,” he said.

Agencies

Amara, 206-260-1700. Bethany Christian Services, 1-800-bethany. Catholic Community Services, 425-374-6358. Compass Health, 425-349-8740. Community and Family Services Foundation, 206-246-5262. Children’s Administration (DSHS) 1-888-KIDS414. Fostering Together, 1-866-958-KIDS. Friends of Youth, 206-859-6290. Hand in Hand, 425-374-2461. Lutheran Community Services Northwest, 206-694-5700. Olive Crest, 425-462-1612. Ryther’s, 206-517-0273. Secret Harbor, 360-755-5700. Service Alternatives, 253-221-5278. YMCA, 206-382-5340. Youthnet, 1-866-958-KIDS. Youthville, 1-800-593-1950.

Public agency adoptions cost attorney fees plus home inspection. Private adoptions cost $4,000 to $40,000. Independent adoptions cost $8,000 to $40,000.